I’ve been talking to friends and family about the marriage thing. small talk and some talk went deeper….
Some whispered the words husband or wife as if they’re offensive. some took a deep breath as if one day they will exhale. some rolled their eyes as if marriage is some kind of joke to them. some let out a faint sigh with a small grin attached to their face. some sat back on their chairs and rapidly crossed their arms as to withdraw from the conversation. some sat up straight as if they were ready to defend themselves or possibly attack. some get all giddy and inhaled. some got the courage to announce a possible divorce and others mentioned a milestone anniversary. some whispered their spouse’s name and gazed at nothingness and quietly admit life is good. some talked about the wonderful things they do with their spouse and “so and so”. “so and so” seems to be in the picture all the time. ALL the time. some mentioned how their couple-being is happier when “so and so” is around. some won’t admit to being codependent.
some and a few and some others ..and still more…go through phases, stages, challenges and exciting moments. some and a few and more go through dull, idle, exhausting moments. it happens. you can change. you can fix. you can control. you can accept. you are just a person someone married. you are just a person who married that person.
Relationships are funny. maybe we can hold on to a person…but how can we hold on to those good feelings we had once? i don’t know. lock it up? who knows.
mixing cocktails and dope.
love in the time of drunkeness. i love the drunk-love stage. love under the influence. you’re so high and turned on by what ever the other person does. it’s so damn wonderful. you wish it’d never end. you think it will never end — this love.
i love that stage. most of us do.
the rush of being high: actually love on dopamine, ‘the pleasure chemical” or the “reward me chemical’… it’s what we’re releasing in the drunken love stage. this is why we feel giddy! oooh and total bliss surrounds us. (estrogen and testosterone flood us as well…but different!) when our hearts race and we feel we can stay up for hours and run a million miles, it’s the combination of our adrenaline and neropinephrine chemicals working hard. and damn… it feels so good. so damn good.
the ‘i can’t focus’ and ‘i can’t think of anything but you’ stage. i love that stage, too. most of the time it’s so genuine. actually i want to say ALL of the time ..but i’m not so sure it is all the time. it’s the crazy chemicals which make you feel so alive and happy.can we make that stay and should we?
then …you have attraction. attraction is different. i think. when you have this certain kind of attraction for a person even before the “drunk love” stage begins…that’s highness to the tenth power. it’s pure science and biology. you tend to focus only on that one person. your ONLY focus is that one person. that’s serious — the attraction stage. you’re so into them and you have the high of the dopa… it’s an awesome feeling. but it can be dangerous when you’re driving and you miss a few exits on the freeway… oops. be careful out there you love birds. you’re worse then texters and crazy moms and teenagers.
yup…it’s so powerful— this feeling— it pours out of you and passes on to everyone around you. and you seem to attract more people than you normally would. you’re glowing! come over, let’s hang out. i feel so good with your positive energy. although the people around you have less of the dopa and nero in them, their body and mind feel your bliss, your giddyness and they begin to feel high themselves. you smoke the joint and they get the second hand high. or something like that….
and aaaah that’s perfect.
but…it’s a shame. sigh. it won’t really last. it is not your fault. it’s just how the body and brain work. we’re not perfect. good news is that it can last a long time. and that is wonderful. and if you are so attracted to that one person…i heard it can last a life time. :) how wonderful.
there are obviously more stages… and more feelings… it should be good but sometimes it just doesn’t work that way…
Don’t work too hard: sure , sometimes we have to get our butts moving and work a little to have that ‘same ole’ feeling”. but it should not be too hard to achieve. in my not-so -humble opinion, we should let it flow and and work here and there to have some amorous feelings and romance and fireworks and feel high and alive, but if you work so hard (all the time. ALL the time) that it tires you up(!) … then you have to ask yourself if this is worth it? really. you look like shit and you feel like shit and you are hardly home because it’s like a war room there… then …hmmm. i don’t know. and you ask yourself where do you go? will he/she be secure and independent without me. or will i? will i be jealous if she finds new love..? will i ever find new love again. will i be lonely and alone…? who knows?
i guess…love is chance. but company .. you can find.
obviously there are many factors which we don’t know…but i’m not a therapist. i’m just a wife. i’ve been married like a bizillion years and my anniversary is coming up. :).
and just so you know… your levels of dope and your cocktail mixes diminish after about 1 year and 1/2. that’s why you feel the ‘magic is gone’. you most likely still love the person who made you high on life, but now you depend on that dope to make you feel the same way. and, well… love evolves! you can depend on that person making you happy and giddy but he/she feels the same. she is depending on you, too.
marriage , i guess , is team work but not to a point where you need to constantly cheer each other up. sometimes we just have to hear the other person out and let them bitch ! huh, what’s that honey, you’re tired and cranky?…oh don’t worry. just rest your pretty little head on me. Now, if you end up saying this all the time… well…. good luck, buddy! :)
More cocktail mixes but now they are a bit thicker and you can take your time with these…nurse them and enjoy them as long as you can: love goes from high to “i’m not just passionately into you, baby, i’m , now, some how attached to you..just completely into you and totally attached”. And this stage… well… THAT is just (fuck!) so beautiful. i think we all wish we could stay there. well, stay there if you want a long term relationship. if you just want to mess around here and there with “so and so”… well… you might always stay at the ‘high’ place… always on dope. and i guess there is nothing wrong with that. nope. :)
hmmmm…. i wonder if we release or have more of (excuse me for being so romantic)…but…ahem…i wonder if when we meet someone and we are just crazy about them if we release more of that vasopressin in us and it makes us want a long term relationship with them? the only reason i remember vasopressin is because i think : “wow, i’m just crazy about you that my ‘vaso’ is pressin against yours.” or “te quiero, y llenas mi vaso”. yes… i’m not that funny. but… i have to remember this one way or another …somehow.
then we talk about seratonin and oxytocin and endorphins … but i’m a more about romance and flying high , and the chemical talk is not for me… but it can be a total turn on when i hear it. ha.
so…let’s talk about endorphins..if you think you feel superhero-ish after you have sex… well, you should. you release these endorphins during exercise or sex…
and i wonder if when we talk about our lovers and spouses , etc… and they constantly feel tired or bitter or angry or sick or lethargic… well… it’s probably because you need to be more ‘active’… i guess. i don’t really know.
i guess… it’s always good to ask yourself if you really belong where you are. and if you do, then …. wooohoo! good for you.
but if you don’t …then should you leave? and do you want a new partner? and if so, how can you pick your next partner (if you want one) ?
this is serious! but who knows?
maybe, just maybe…
you can do the apple stem game! you remember this game, right? heehee.
take an apple and begin twisting the stem
then, while twisting, say the name of the persons you are attracted to. (don’t cheat…! heehee)
then…the name of the person you hook up with will be the one you say when the stem breaks off.
this is how to pick a partner. :)
voila. so simple.
but… after talking to my friend today… when you pick a partner, see if he/she agrees and wants to sign a short term ‘lease’ . maybe 3 years. and if it works out, renew your lease and sign it again for another year or so…
if the relationship fizzles out or doesn’t work out… well , then, you both shake hands and say farewell and leave it at that… start again.
hey…start the apple game again.