day 12 – chasing you

we spend a lot of days trying to get somewhere..
trying to get from here to there.
sometimes it takes us so long, we forget why we’re trying to get there in the first place.

in our days when we chase love – sometimes we try to go for the impossible.
you fall in love with someone who is seemingly not available. they are not, particularly, pushing you away, they simply are not around. so we go around and around trying to catch them.
and…it feels like ‘chasing love’ is a game. and you want to keep playing until you win.
But what if you don’t win (at this game) ?
Then , all our better memories of our feats are erased. wiped out. trampled. (get the picture?) and all we have left are our failure trophies. bah!

So, what if you do win? whoohoo! then you think, “wow, this is fun! AND easy!”.
And, you want to play again.
And, the ‘game’, the chase,  begins again.
and someone will fall and lose.

why do we always want something else? whether it’s an idea or a dream or a person..
we want something! we’re chasing something; chasing perfection…
it’s like seek and catch. or it may be the other way around… I don’t know. catch and seek?

The other day , my friend asked me how I was- how i was feeling. so i thought for a second, then answered. carefully. the question was not a passive one, it was a question that demanded an answer. so i answered carefully: “i’m just okay. not really perfect, today. but okay.”

which reminded me of that common phrase “nobody’s perfect!”
I’m not chasing perfection, because as child you are told that nothing and no body is perfect. as an adult you remind yourself of that.  and when you feel pretty perfect and you ‘shine’,  you dull your own shine. you humble yourself. gah!
but today when my friend asked how i was,  i answered : “yeah, thanks for asking. i’m a little perfect.”
i was feeling too good not to show off my shine.
now, don’t get me wrong, i often say the word “perfect!’ but this time i meant it.

i own me. me with my funny round nose. my messy hair. hmmm…what color is it today? curves here and there… my skin. (feels pretty soft!) … just me.
and i, often say  i want to shed pounds, but, in reality, i want to shed things that don’t serve me well. pounds included. :)
and what ever i am, and what ever i have, is enough.
i think we just need to make sure we can handle and take care of all that we have.
so…if we can’t handle it, we have to shed it.
because…really!  we should not be living above what we are able to handle.
by ‘handle’ i mean handle properly.
(i think someone can handle my curves, by the way )

when i was younger – in my late teens and early twenties,  if something went wrong in my day or my mood, automatically- without a second thought, I sat in my mother’s bedroom- on her bed. Right in front of it there was a dresser and a mirror above it and i had my thoughts and my talks (to myself) in front of that mirror. so weird! i never looked anywhere else other than into my own eyes. while i talked to the mirror…to my reflection…i didn’t think it was strange or weird or lame. it seemed like the normal thing to do. i thought, everyone did this. (still do!) But, it was after a few days of having that monologue that i laughed at myself. i laughed and called myself crazy. funny. i still do that. reflect. then laugh at myself of how i did it.
in addition…now, i run. run, run, run. ( fucking pounds don’t come off, though :) )

I work. i strive and i live. i do the things that make me grow at a steady pace….i do it for me. and when me is happy, my kids are happy. and when my kids are happy,
sigh. i’m set.

I have my shit together… don’t worry about how i do things…
but… my secret. the mirror. i starred at it once for such a long time, that i began to see my reflection as another person. No! i was not smoking anything. i saw my mother’s face on my body. trippy for sure!

a mirror will not help you with making the right decisions or making you less upset (try a good joint) … but it can help you say things, and see things, and see yourself more clearly. just you. nothing else. the treu you.

because… ( warning: the mom in me coming out ) “…you’re perfect the way you are…”
unless you did some terrible thing. in which case i need to hide you and give you a different passport… and color your hair or change your name…

where was i?
oh, yes.
you’re perfect.
but i’m not chasing perfection.


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