napoleon code …mexican law?
well...without getting into history ..he says she says... battle of our very own family cultures...after all, we are mexifranco. francocanos... huh?
well....
i like my napoleon ring.
cinco de mayo's mexicans defeated the french. well, yes. true. but.... really? war is war and did the mexicans really win?
i guess...but...
hmmm... isn't mexican law based on napoleon code? and because of Maximian's wish , napoleon left El Paseo de la Reforma in mexico city... a quick easy access to/from Maximilian's (chaputepec) castle and the city's center. ahhhh... si señor just like the champs-elysees. oui :)
and take a look at some of the french left overs in guadalajara. ahem. oh, mexico. je t'aime.
and well...battle of puebla and other wars.... we are all one small world influenced by one and the other...
i like wine. vino. el tequila? no gracias. los tacos? si por favor. champañe - champagne? si. dos copas. o tres. o diez.
so cinco de mayo.... hmm.... just another day to celebrate anything. tomorrow i'll celebrate... another war another victory another anything.
(i think this is what happens when you're old and jaded. bleh!)
the secrets and half-truths and a bit of detachment
when we keep secrets and only tell half truths... we're tend to detach ourselves.
the more honest ones will separate ourselves from those who wholeheartedly and repeatedly tell us little lies after lies after lies.
it's fun while it lasts. but it's superfluous and boring after a while.
As much as it gets tiring to tell a lie or to keep secrets....it is tiring to hear them and/or learn about them later. pppft....it loses it's worth.
as adults , we know that telling a lie is wrong. still, when it comes to avoiding trouble or saving face or making our lives sound more exciting or in some cases less exciting and possibly making our lives a little more dull ....we lie. what?! yes. we lie. lie , lie, lie.
we lie about love or money. we hide complete information about this. we lie to our spouses or bosses or friends and family...
we get caught up and tangled and confused between fact and fiction... we feel the need to avoid responsibility ...or own it. we omit the details in truth and , if needed, fill in some gaps with sweet lies. pushing and shoving lies is those empty little lonely spaces.
it gets tiring for the rest of us. you lie so much and you hear others lie so much begin to detach yourself. unaware of your detachment and inability to tell the truth... you begin leave others. you stop talking to the people who already 'know' you best. you begin to put up a half wall and begin to half talk to new people. sometimes you socialize from a distance and maybe online. you make new 'friends' and start a limited relationship controlled by lies or detachment or half-truths. and sometimes you begin to create a new person. you recreate yourself or even create ideas or a make up a past of some sort. you begin a new life. a temporary one with new, but temporary loves or friends. wow! sounds fun to be able to play different roles....
(and you may not even realise it. you may not realise that you are in serious need of a couch and a talk)
but having different roles..like acting makes me think of how easy and pretty cool it must be to be able to temporarily depart from reality. a bit of getting paid for being a dissociative liar. well, sort of. then i think of all the walking personalities out there.
people with multiple personalities... wow. how complex!
it's been said that i can be discreet about knowing people with more than one or five different persons. i wish they'd come out and admit they have this genius yet hard to handle disorder. i'm not sure why...but i like to interact with them. it's almost like having various friends. it really is fascinating. but it is quite annoying when some of these 'friends' become irate and stop calling you. i wish the friendlier person would take over the brain and return my calls. :) But as fascinating as it is... it seems to me that it is not fun when you prefer to know only one person in one body.
but all this… is still detachment.
you get tired.... you get tired of playing with all the personalities and i'm sure you get tired of playing all the roles.
you feel isolated in both cases...as the 'victim' and as the 'actor'.
you begin to wither.
don't wither away.
honesty is still the best policy.
just say it. say and seek the truth. maybe. :)
liars....actors...hypocrites.... fascinating... such an interesting industry, job, person.
"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes" - mark twain
seeking shelter
well, it was certainly hot today...and windy. the fire in camarillo is still going and somehow more than 90°f in may is a bit shocking. it feels like september in spring. our earth is hot.... not so much as strange weather anomalies but ... still a bit off...weird.
a nice tree provide a little shady shelter. ...because the asphalt and cement under your feet seems hotter than usual today.
earthquake soon?
i love you more
"i love you." well.... i wish those words were really , really important. some people throw them left and right. you know who you are.
if i'm going to advise someone (by someone i mean you!) to say them , then i must tell you to say it like you mean it. i mean really mean it. don't throw them out there just because you feel something in your pants at the moment. don't say them because you found something he/she said adorable at the moment. say the words when your really know the being. the being that cries and bitches, the being that scratches himself in places you'd rather not see...
say the words with conviction and true sincerity from your gut. whoa! too much!?!
but what if some one says it you or to me with this great admiration and truth... they say I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm falling in love with you. ...that phrase: "i love you" is said to you but you can't say it back? what if...?
what if you feel the same way or you think you feel the same way yet you need to sort and make sense of these feelings. maybe you're confused because although you've known each other for a few years , you've only seen each other for a half a handful of times...?
I mean, how do you respond ? how do you respond without sounding rude ?
so .... do you say : "oh, that's so nice. thank you."
or pretend you didn't hear it: "hmmm... d'you say something?"
or disregard it all together and: "oh my god! i think i hear my car alarm...be right back."
or do you tell them they're not ready to love: "me? you love ME? nonsense... you hardly know me. and don't feel pressured into saying this to me. really, you don't have to, you know?"
or do you get so nervous because you want it to be true because you feel the same way because you want to say it back because you're so excited that this can really be damn wonderful and you want to say it back but instead you mess it up because you are a bit clumsy: "did you just say something about love? you make me smile."
(and you wonder if he/she regrets saying it.)
or do you say without hesitation: 'i love you more."
the freedom of the trails in my neighborhood.
funny... when i hike i don't usually socialize or stop to talk to anyone. unless , for example, a hiker's dog comes up to me and starts being ultra friendly, then i stop to say a word or two. today was a bit different. i ran up a smaller trail - a trail that isn't very much used. and as i ran up an young man asked if he was on the right trail to go back to the parking lot. i pointed him in the right direction... "in about 200 feet you'll reach the bottom, and stick to the right side down then hill. you can't miss it- parking lot on the left..."
i continued up. running up. winded. an older man with a stick asked me if there were any water fountains near by. "not really closest one is by Tree people and it'll take you about 15 minutes to get there..."
he continues down the hill and i make my way up. a young men stops me and tell me there's a rattle snake 'sunning' up about 30 yards where all the trees meet. whoops! be careful , he tells me as he points to where it is. i thank him and continue up watching the trail and the path. a little nervous. for sure.
i lizard crosses the narrow path and my heart stops. i laugh a little. and continue. yikes shirtless man was not kidding. TWO rattlers. he said a rattler. not a couple. i continue... don't even stop...i'm too nervous. and i notice no one else is on that trail anymore. uh, where is everyone?
i make my way to tree people. get a drink of water. run down the rest of the way to up to the michael jackson trail. double back and i see a few people. phew! i get another drink of water. and walk up the hill. i see a man taking the little less traveled trail where the snakes were. i stop and tell him to be careful up there because there are some snakes sunning. he seems a little nervous and is a bit apprehensive to continue. says it's his first time there. i told him to watch his step and that i'm sure the snakes were just sun bathing. it's the season and the hour. warm out there... springtime and the weather is perfect for snakes and people.
all this... make me think my existence in my neighborhood was some what valid. at least for a 20 minutes or so in the trail. or something like that. nothing. that's it. maybe it was my gatsby moment: "....freedom of the neighborhood..."
my sunday best: bougainloveea
dani: mama?!!
me: yes?
dani: where are you?
me: dans la toilette
dani: stop pee'ing. i got a surprise for you!
me: um, i can't stop on demand, you know? but , i'll be right out. jeeze, can't a mom pee in peace?!
dani: just hurry up! :)
still fixing my pants... i walk out and find Dani pointing at her heart. she raked and swept the flowers to shape it.
what goofy cutie-pie she is.
tagging love
your love is like closed door... your love is like dirty wall...love is like messy tags... love is dirty and needs some cleaning up...love is like an open door-closed door-closed heart.
huh? poetry is so confusing.
/attempt to wax poetic
hi. here's a yellow heart. on a closed door...on a stucco wall full of messy graffiti. and there are hand prints, too.
hmmmm...i wonder what's worse, to hit a wall or to hit rock bottom?
just breath.
because the world needs another self indulgent blog with nothing to say ...and a very poorly written one, too...
ooooh...not to mention a gazillion fotos of flowers and... well... that's what adailynote is. yes. the bitter truth of nothingness. and why not? better than .....not sure what it's better than...??
better than some crappy 'advise' blog that feeds you 'real' advise, that feeds some philosophical bullshit...or love poems and or motherly advise..? oh i don't know. or something like that.
nothing. that's it.
but... hi. :)
don't forget to breath.
i need oxygen. a good hike...
some imperfections. roses.
roses. they make people happy. i don't like them. but i find myself smelling the yellow and pink ones. often.
these smelled good. dew-y and fresh-ish. :) these are words.
visiting with Jeannie on the set
hanging out on the set with jeannie at hollywood center studios... the kids were able to experience a few takes and watch the filming of kickin' it for a while. the cast and crew were so damn friendly and patient with our active 8-9 year-olds. yikes! but alex and zoe were able to hang and round up the little ones... which was pretty cool of them.
oooh... and...
we didn't break anything. happy about that. we didn't trip over cables or knock down any cameras or camera crew! phew! and happy to say not one cast/crew member tripped over the kids while they lied on the floor wiggling around. in fact, they brought the kids "special seats and chairs". benches and boxes make good seating for a special audience.
view the other fotos here on my flickr set
animism, soul, and spirit.
hmmm.... i've got that. i've got soul, and spirit...so why do you hide me?
invisible. sometimes that's what we are. but our energy and zest and spirit and long arms... keep you coming back.... so why do you hide me?
when we sit and talk about past events or passed lives or forgotten dreams ...dreams postponed and goals not yet reached... our souls get filled...our spirits lifted...our minds start spinning and our hearts protected. then it stops. we go back to 'real' world.
but, hey, THIS is my real world. this. right here. past present future... and speaking of presents i was born in july. not a typical leo or cancer ... just an in-between-y with false humility and hidden in fictitious loyalty. or is the other way around? does it matter, though?
(wait. where was i before i started with presents in july...? focus.)
we have talks and we have drinks.... we have comfort.
there are spirits amongst us. some are friendly. some are tasty. some smell good ( not teen spirit :) ). some give us headaches and some warm our hearts.
We had wine. again.
jack and I had a cab. Cabernet Sauvignon, Eberle Cellars, Vineyard Select, 2010. was not so fruity...just really well balanced. yay for another everyday table wine. and another good thing (!)... it's from paso robles. i am thinking a def road trip. wanna come. in the car? shotgun?
/helpful wine review
Jess had the white wine. t'was made with chenin blanc grapes. it was pretty easy to drink...really really refreshing...but a little too sweet for me. still, it was a little perfect for jess on a nice spring evening in the IE just before we hit the farmers' market.
yay for another good wine ...and yay! it's from la france. oui.
vouvray, Benoit Gautier, Loire France, 2010.
/french wine review. :)
shape and form and taste of love
heart and love... love for hanging (with price tag), or love letters or sweet love for eating...
and you can't control love... but you can control how you shape it or eat it or bake it...or hold it or ...
yes... i'm just born with 'love' and cheese-y-ness (or, in this case, crunchy chocolate-y-ness) inside me.
what?! i can’t hazz me a teenie tiny smoke?!
pppp....bbbbb....but i've been doing ...i've working my butt off all day and weekend...
i'm so relaxed and well, now i have to do laundry... i just want to sit and smoke a litle bit.
i'm sure i deserve it ...even if i have to smoke it in my bathroom window. jeeeeeze. i'm like a prisoner.
using cookies to remember my preferences?
or something like that.
mmm. mmm. mmm. crunchy cinnamon-y cookies.... need to be dunked in milk or coffee....
or just eat 'em up like that.
make some notes.
write down the password...
code... a message...
au bout du monde…
so... i want to fly a little. not like a kite with a rope attached to me. not like a bird with a final destination or migrating to another place. no. more like a... hmmm. not sure. maybe flying and floating like fresh smelling soap bubbles.
hmmmm... plooop. never mind. i'll cease to exist when i burst.
ok... (forget flying and bursting!)
set me up again. ahem....take two.
so....i want to....um...
i want to...
just walk a bit and meet you somewhere. like a kitty with a careless mission.
not sure where or when or if it's even possible but... here i go. I'll try. I'll meet you....
....au bout du monde.
no easter baskets for the environmentalists
no we did not use baskets. we forgot them...so they got some bags from their grandmother's closet and voila. meh... who needs baskets? it's how they do it in the midwest, ahem...i mean the inland empire. :)
the babies know how to reuse ...and just around earth day, too. so impressive.
and we carpool, too...wow, we are environmentalists. we're are cool that way. :)
making stuff with bottles and jars
Rompope bottle is now a citronella "oil lantern".
i made something --sorta. I have so many bottle and jars and with summer approaching and the pool now open... I know those mosquitoes will be bugging us. so we got ourselves some oil and we'll go out and get some fiberglass wicks and voila! oil lanterns. This one has cotton wick but it will burn faster than we can really enjoy and benefit from the citronella oil... so fiberglass is best and they will last for ever. :)
i’m not crazy, i’m just stuck in a temporary state of magical thinking.
i'd like to be able to make magic soup and chant ancient foreign words casting a magical spell as we make friendship bracelets.... But, I can't because i'm too comfortably stuck in the state of magical thinking. I'd like to sit and make paper airplanes and watch them float and fly on a calm windy night... But i can't because i'm busy still stuck in this state of wonderful magical thinking.
We can play and play and play some more. But right now, i'm stuck. It's what happens when you're busy wanting something that is hard to get or hard to recover...
sometimes it can be quite demoralizing.
I imagine it's like being a rodent...
You're looking in corners...in cabinets...you're looking for something. you do anything to see or get something. It's like a baby looking for comfort in his mother's arms. looking for the tenderness and smells of happiness. Maybe it's food or shelter or another one of your kind. But while you search for something you hide , you hide like a teenager who knows that he is asking for too much ...a teenager who is indulging. and like a rodent , a rat, you look for hiding places so you're not spotted... Well, maybe not a rat. more like a sly fox. And this fox seems to be finding all the things he wants.
It's so demoralizing to see two smiling people...two people who evidently are simply crazy about each other and to see them like sly, sneaky little foxes...hiding in the shadows...sneaking a snack...hiding their smiles from everyone else. it's like you're watching them get closer but only they see themselves feeling further and further apart. and they see themselves as kleptomaniac rats - stealing every moment or possibility to see each other and take the things they want whether they don't belong to them or not. They see themselves getting smaller and smaller as they reach a certain desire to head in the same direction. It's demoralizing to see them feel lonelier and lonelier...
If two people can be crazy about each other like that and feel so incomplete it's probably simple blind admiration. and the rest is just a temporary state of magical thinking...or paper airplanes that, hopefully, with time, will not dismantle with natural deterioration.
i'm ok stuck here with uncertain feelings of paper airplanes in a room with beautiful light.... so,
Please, DO NOT DISTURB!
my sunday best – champagne and orange juice
it's fun. champagne.
sunday at beachwood canyon flower shop
my sunday best – pampering a nine year old!
doodle bou, Boubou, dani-bee, chiquilina, bouboulina...muñequita turned nine.
she calls herself my lucky charm! sigh.
she has such an attitude. when she was born she had a 'stay away from me unless you're my mom' cry. and it was loud. i really mean it. it was loud.
she's sweet as pie when she wants to be. not when she needs to. only when she wants to. most of the time she is just a stubborn little girl full of ideas and a bit of attitude. she has a wispy softish kind of voice and when she tells a story you just sort of get lost and distracted with her little sweet voice. and if you ask her to repeat it or if she asks if you're listening to her... she begins to raise her voice and loudly she will tell you that you don't care what she says and that you never listen to her.... (sometimes it's treu. i can't hear her... i just hear this sweet sound- like a tiny melody coming out of a little tough girl's mouth---sorry Dani)
and she repeats her story.
and in the morning she yells "mama, come here!", "get my clothes out!", "mama, gimme a kissie!" "i can't start without a kissie, no i can't"
And her friends.... they are similar and they have a nice bond...they talk to each other as if they've known each other all their lives likes sisters and brothers...
they have. they have known each other most of their lives. they're only eight or nine. :)
she's a tough little person but she is all kinds of sweet and cool. More weekend fotos.
a drink with pi
tshirt from the thrift store window...
just a quick peek at it before heading to the bank in the IE...
long day...so, 3.14..... drinks would have been perfect today.
troublemakers?!
wine was good. a bit sweet but not aggressive like an over bearing fatal fruitbomb. and not harsh like an inpatient bitch in line at the supermarket. oh.... troublemaker was just easy to drink and tasted pretty good for a friday night in the kitchen.
not sure why i enjoyed it so much....maybe it's because my two troublemaker friends brought it over just before we went to a fashion jai ne se quoi and tried on clothes for a few hours and spent more dollars than we wanted to...more than we should have.
i like it - the wine. it's a blend of grenache syrah, mourvedre and petite sirah, AND it's made with fruit from our pretty cool state...in Paso Robles. et.... c'est pas cher. :)
/Rhone-ish #troublemakerwine review
i like wine.
so.... what did we buy? hmmmmm.... skirts that are way too short and skorts that should be skirts...
edit: another foto. i really like it :)
soaking wet, fog and rainbow
running down the hill.... it started to rain and boom!..out pops a rainbow. damn pretty. i know, i know...we've seen these a million other times but there is something to say about hard rain pounding your head, water drops hitting your face and running toward rainbows that is a bit like magic. and the light out there was fairy tale like.... a bit red, a bit dark... a little windy and some huge drops of water....some clouds and bleu skies with purple and pink. what!!!? this happens every season but... BUT i love it.
the curious case of the women of the world
Color Me Blurry, originally uploaded by ¡Laura.
colorful and mysterious and curious and ....gone....
they come back again but have no idea why they left or why they're back...they don't know why they cry or bitch or nag... why they want to sit in silence or need to get out...
but then ........then they smile and they make your day. and the nagging and bitching is forgotten.
it's what i've heard... women are complicated little things.
i like dresses.
and short skirts.
cream, sugar?
we sit around drinking coffee and we talk about the coffee we're drinking and about the coffee we've tasted... and how we brew our coffee. and we talk about the coffee bean fields and plantations and TIo Moises* and the free trade coffee. and we talk about walking into our favorite coffee house and how some places smell better than what the actual coffee tastes like. then we take sip or a gulp of our coffee and we remember that awesome coffee we had that tasted like freshly ground heaven. yep. coffee talk over a hot cup of coffee... in the evening.
then later that evening or the next day... we do the same with our wine. talk about wine over a glass of wine. yep.
boring is the new fun. is that possible? or is it something like when the mouse talks to the pig about nothing...
“What do you mean less than nothing? I don't think there is any such thing as less than nothing. Nothing is absolutely the limit of nothingness. It's the lowest you can go. It's the end of the line. How can something be less than nothing? If there were something that was less than nothing, then nothing would not be nothing, it would be something - even though it's just a very little bit of something. But if nothing is nothing, then nothing has nothing that is less than it is.”
― E.B. White, Charlotte's Web
i like coffee and that's something.
if tio moises*** was from israel: hey, how does tio make his coffee** Hebrews it. :))
moses***, tea**. it's the original punnyness.
acting like girls , women and everything in between
bleu... i sometimes color-coordinate. pretty sweet.
time and distance between here and there
and the love letters and all that stuff.... but you're never there.
/incoherent blabbing-ness
i just like this foto and i have no words for it...but something something about time and distance makes me all melancholy-ish. maybe i just need stuff... like arms or legs or lips and stuff... stuff you can feel. Maybe because it's a short month.... i don't know....
la vie en bleu de temps en temps.
so... nothing.... that's it.
a necklace watch. upside down. so when you hang it around your neck you can lift it gently with your hand and check the time right side up.
Wednesday with Geri.
I don't know much about a lot of things. anything, really. Funny because the older we get, the more we realise and vocalize it.
Anyway.... I don't know much about Alzheimer's but maybe, as a mom, i can understand some of the ways i can help a person with dementia or Alzheimer's.... I don't know (?). Maybe it's the constant repeating, the on going bribing with special treats to get them to eat, moving their hair out of their face, the praises and compliments.... like a mom does with her children....maybe this comes easy to me....i don't know. or maybe i've been familiar with 'mom' things for almost 13 years....
a few things I think i know (i'm pretty sure, almost positive i know!):
1) the person with this disease is always right. always. don't contradict them. if you she wants you to drive her home tell her you'll take her home a bit later. Then (gently) distract her with other interesting topics. gentle conversations that she will understand and that will be easy for her to follow and participate in. dammit, don't contradict them! seriously, there is no point in that. it only makes you look like a bitch and a pretty selfish uneducated, ill mannered dumbass.
2) There is no value in arguing with them. Don't remind them about certain or particular things that you know might stress them out because you're not sure they remember... They will only get angry and frustrated if they don't know what you're talking about. Instead let them remind you and simply follow along. If they talk about 'dumb bunnies' and the dairy farm in Wisconsin again and again (AND AGAIN!) just listen as if was the first time you heard this story ...again and again. Nobody likes to forget --we don't choose memory loss and nothing you do will 'fix' this. Don't try to 'fix' this. you can only be supportive and loving and helpful. try it. accept it... fuck!, it's not that difficult to 'play' along. our loved ones our mothers our grandmothers will feel better when you bring smiles and cookies and and hugs and when you hold their hand (i guess) instead of seeing you stressed out because you can't fix their situation. good grief!
3) when you see her let her guide you -- let her tell you whether she remembers who you are or not. if she doesn't , just take it slowly and act extra friendly and loving... you are there to shoot-the breeze with her; to keep her company. if she tells you to get her purse or her coat because she just wants to hold on to it... do it. if she thinks someone will steal her things.... give her the coat and her purse. Then let her know that you don't think anyone will take it but tell her if anyone tries to take it from her, you would not allow it. you are there to protect her and her belongings. (because that's what cool people do for each other!)
4) if she wants her parents to pick her up, or if she's wondering why her parents have not visited, tell her they're on their way. a little white lie doesn't hurt. in fact , it makes her feel at ease and relaxed and she won't get frustrated and aggressive. tell her her parents know that you are there and she is in good hands with you. :)
5) tell her your secrets. she loves to hear juicy gossip. she won't remember them or repeat but that's okay. it's that moment with the 'ooohs and awws' that counts.
and also, you don't want her to remember your secrets your gossip or deep deep infamous thoughts :))
the fragile days of Geri.... Sigh.
my sunday best – smells like serious spring cleaning!
gotta get this house of love in order. damn it!
cleaning out the garage and the kitchen cabinets and laundry... made me think that we have too many things.
but we found the 1000 borne game. yay... girls enjoyed playing this :))
falling and stuck and contained and my pretty paper hearts
hmmm...there's no you...only in my dreams....it smells like the way a bakery smells at 5.am. fresh and sweet..sugary buttery and warm.
a kinda dark and milky paradise... you go through dark paths and creamy thick fog...
that's how some dreams are and you feel a kind of love around you and you can't put it into words.
all you know is that you push through the fog... almost swimming through it...but it seems easy enough because you're wearing black armor. and when people try to stop you from walking through ... you pin them against a gelatenious wall and tell them to let you go because you have to get somewhere where you have things to say.
(hey, these are my own silly dreams... im sure you've had sillier and cheesier words...so..nevermind)
then you are so tired from the heavy armor on your body... you plead with them to let you walk alone and you ask them not to challenge you... and you just want to get there and just sleep. and when you finally get past the milky fog....there is nothing to be found. you trip and you just fall like a dry leaf or a paper heart. and you don't sleep. you just glide and glide down. and you drop inside a glass house.
it's exhausting....dreaming like this.
smells like the sea. so, let’s go get high, come take a walk.
a pier... sometimes weather makes me a little insane. pouring rain would be really nice right now.
it’s that time of the month…valentine’s day…mistress day… part of international flirt week.
but i feel like sewing.... feel like making a dress or some aprons or...something.
when you feel needy and when you want a friend.
take a seat. don't lose yourself. don't break down... just sit.
sunday best – the scent of flowers and mortality
so... my dad was diagnosed with cancer in july.
on his birthday he had major surgery to remove the tennis-ball size mass that took over his abdominal area.
prior to this ---months prior to this , while he was still 61 years old, he was talking about early retirement or planning to retire in just 3 more years... he wasn't sure what he was going to do....
i think my dad would have been lost if he retired. work was his life. sure his family was why he worked, but work was where he was in control. he worked most of his life if not all. he took care of us. he was the bread winner...
Some times i think he should have taken the back streets... but he did the usual...the 'work like man' usual. he was responsible. no back streets for him. no short cuts...just kinda fit a good mold. yet he still shined. quietly shined on the straight path.
it doesn't seem fair. you work and work and try to plan for the future when you can spend time with your faraway relatives.. spend time with the grandchildren...and then nothing. you get nothing but 6 months of suffering. you try to be brave. you are brave and continue to fight the fight... you hang on to hope, but nothing.
as a daughter , all i can offer is a hand and a smile and a ' you can do it, papa' but really, you want to shout at the world and in your mind that's what you do. and in your mind you lower your voice and you hold your papa's hand again and smile and tell him he's doing fine as he struggles to get from the kitchen door to the drive way to the car....
when death presents itself...
you begin to wonder about your own mortality... and maybe i'm not an age where i can start to see my own mortality but when you spend six months with a dying cancer patient, you begin to explore your life. where did you go? where did you go wrong? where will you go and who is important? who should you stay up for or wake up early for? wonder why your genuine good spirit could not save a life. good things happen to good people... is all you tell yourself. and you know very well that you are fooling yourself and you know very well that you are holding on to hope. because when you see your dad dying ....that's all you can do. hope.
intellectually , we all know that death is a fact of life. but most of us tend to avoid thinking about our own mortality, especially when we are young. i think that's magical --- its magical to not think of your own death and it's quite moving to think about it deeply.
death doesn't seem so remote, now.
then it's over. he dies and all you have is your mother and you wonder if she'll be alright?
and you hear her cry...she sounds like she'll cry a river and drown herself. and you wonder if she'll be lonely and alone...and you wonder if you know how to help and save a life. a life a light in her? and you hope nothing goes wrong.
it's only been a month since he died... can't tell if it seems longer or if it seems like yesterday. currently, i'm in a state of confusion with time.
day thirtyone- opaque and smooth and a bit fogged up.
there should be a day (aside from national nothing day) where we are forced to just meditate and think of how we can make ourselves (as a human race) better. how can we better this land...this space ... this area we occupy.
but.......shhhhh..... i'm thinking.
though not for long...because i gotta make my coffee. and i'd share it with you but you probably already had yours. twice, even.
day twenty nine- green and clear
left overs from the weekend.
hmmm....
i'd wake you up with coffee and a smile...then tuck you in with chardonnay and something something.
or something like that.
day twentysix- black and a splash of pink and across down
out and about...
and i'd throw a rock or two to get your attention, but i'm sure you don't even live there. i just imagined you did. knock knock. come out and play.
day twentyfive – ash in the morning
idle and neutral... but looking forward.... the smell of wet winter and the reflection of hearts. it's cheesy...but i like that. and by now, you should know i like cheesyness.
but not in a person...only in words and fotos... and greeting cards. :)
day twentytwo – the color of the ground and drought
my head is empty and my inspiration dry and my heart heavy... but i can cancan...and today my girl gets her braces off and that's a big deal. that's a happy day.
day twentyone – buttery sunlight
When you wake up to nothing but silence...well, it can make a person a little nervous. makes me wonder if there is life out there?
day twenty – stained glass night light and sweet dreams.
Sleepy time at my parents' house. We've been spending more and more time here with my mom.
we're having a sleep over with the girls in the children's room.
it's also ...the room where my dad spent the last six months of his life....
there's a certain sadness deep within them, but somehow they feel giddy that their grandfather's happy spirit may be lingering calling them by sweet nicknames ...
my mom turned on this night light for them.
it's quiet now...and my girls like that their grandfather slept here with the night light, too.
what ever works for them is good with me .... as long as they are able to remember him in their own way.
i hope they dream of angels. and ice cream.
my sunday best – selfie with ava-josee
she's the latest baby in our family tree...my cousin's new little one, ava-josee.
sunlight and furniture
some mornings i wake up and it just seems like it will be a good day. just a simple good day.
i think of how sometimes i want to share these mornings with someone by nudging them to get up...making them coffee...shooting the breeze...but then i look out side and think "nah, it's quiet and it won't be like this for too long..."
some mornings...you just twist around not knowing what to do... so you walk softly ...lost and confused.
then you make some coffee and take some fotos. and voila! success! you did something. something important. you made some thing pretty with your camera. phew! now i can go back to bed.
day nineteen – transparent and bold!
the house of love is falling apart.
we have been neglecting it.
our windows are dusty and stained from rain water.
our doors are scratched and window sills need painting.
the spiders have found it to be welcoming. well, at least that's something, right?
and the shrinky dinks that alex made when she was seven look brighter against the dirty windows. that's gotta be something, right?
we'll bring life to the house of love. again. soon. i hope.
hey, thanks for visiting!
these are only a few fotos, words and thoughts. hopefully they won't be so weak as to make a daily note fall and crumble to the ground.
love,
laura biasini,
your hostess